wrigley field is MILF paradise
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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