Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
