well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
