so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
