First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
