The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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