My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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