you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
thus making me awesome and them whores
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
