after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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