New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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