Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
the liver wants what the liver wants
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
