Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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