Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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