She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
