college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
