well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
