Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
