Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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