uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
