I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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