Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
