I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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