Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
