So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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