So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
