if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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