My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
