1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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