So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
