I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I got inside last night via doggy door
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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