Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
