at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
