apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
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