uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
where are my eyebrows?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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