He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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