I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
