I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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