Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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