The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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