why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize