A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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