how can u be prego again
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
