I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
