Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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