do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
