my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
