Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
