Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
