pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
