just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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