I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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