Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
