don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
