My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
