then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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