Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
