is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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